Moving from friendship to dating

When I see people carting around their exes and devoting so much time to tending to these ‘friendships’, I have to wonder: how in the hell do they expect to have room for a romantic partner? Baggage Reclaim is a guide to learning to live and love with self-esteem by breaking the patterns that stand in your way.

I regularly ask people who are expending excessive amounts of energy on keeping their ex in their life: Exactly what part of moving forward with your life does your ex fit into? Whether it’s figuring out what’s going on in a troubling relationship, understanding you and self-care, or being more assertive, I’m here to help you guide you.

People who collect exes and who in fact collect ‘supply’ are what I’ve joked are ‘haremologists’.

If a person collects attention but is pretty indiscriminate about it and doesn’t have a harem per se (like people who trawl for attention on introduction ‘dating’ sites, Facebook et al), they’re more of an attentionphile.

“You’d want to watch yourself there with all of those exes.

Some ‘haremologists’ extend this penchant for collecting exes to collecting those of their friends. Your ex girlfriend/boyfriend likes me and I’m making him/her feel better about having been with you.” A number of my early relationships started this way – the friend of an ex swooping in on his broken down donkey disguised as a white horse.

In these situations, you love the attention and the diversion plus, let’s be real – you get a kick out of remaining connected to your ex but also out of knowing that it’s likely pissed them off.

When it’s genuine friendship, this is self-evident and unforced. It’s not baggage because the friendships are not being carted around as a way to avoid letting go and/or as symbols to reassure the ego.

If a someone is in the habit of remaining in touch with all of their exes, their ex love interests who they didn’t reciprocate the feelings of and even their friends’ exes, these ‘friendships’ are important to their ego and are serving a purpose.

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They’re also deterrents that tend to keep potential new partners at bay or are disruptive if it progresses.

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